Lifestyle humor

Caramel Hell

October 31, 2016 • By 19 3 708

In the spirit of this time of year, where people put on costumes and pretend to be what they are not, I decided to make believe I could cook as well. But instead of simply disguising myself as a baker, I took it one step further and thought I’d create some homemade Halloween treats.

I normally don’t make anything. This includes costumes, decorations, jack o’ lanterns, candy bags for my kids to pass out to their classes, and yes, baked treats. So Halloween (and holidays in general) is already a nerve-wracking time of year for me, as I usually have to figure out how to get around all of this creativity and still produce the necessary magic for my children.

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Witty indulgences

You’re just One F*cking Book Away from Brilliant Mood

October 24, 2016 • By 21 3 783

Have you ever been so absorbed in a book that it left you laughing out loud through heartrending tears? Shit, I wish reading glasses came with demister devices. I’ve hitherto read lots of books from numerous authors, nationalities and centuries, and in various genres or interests. Humorous books not always funny, thriller books offering new insight on a good nightmare’s sleep, historical books that are more effective than Ambien, and even erotic books benefiting both you and your spouse into some horizontal hula dancing. Thereby, I mostly read children’s books these days.

But then, among all those fine books, there’s this one, this Crème de la crème one that kept me awake past four in the morning for two nights in a row. It was simply too good to stop, like the best sex you’ve ever had (with a book), hands down. Now we’re talking. If you thought reading was not your thing, then this one will change your mind about books. (Or sex.)

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Family fun

Potty Wars

October 17, 2016 • By 19 1 741

“Batman or Superman?”

“NOOOOOOOO!” My three-year-old runs out of the room screaming, as if he’s a comic book villain and I’ve just threatened to unleash the Justice League on him.

But that’s silly. He’s not a Bad Guy (except at bedtime) and I’d clearly be sending Firestorm after him at this point if I had my choice of superheroes on speed dial.

I chase him and hold up the two pairs of underwear in front of him again. “Batman or Superman?” I repeat, this time through gritted teeth. I read somewhere that parents are supposed to give kids a choice so that they feel more in control of their lives.

These same experts are silent about what to do when a kid wants ALL of the control.

“I HATE UNDERWEAR! I WANT A DIAPER!”

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Witty indulgences

Kicking the Cigarette Habit in the Butt

October 10, 2016 • By 19 1 510

Living on an island discovered by Christopher Columbus and his mates and blogging with an American mate were two obvious reasons for me to celebrate today being the anniversary of the great navigator’s arrival to America on October 12, 1492. But I didn’t. In addition to being Columbus Day, today is also National Kick Butt Day and THAT sounded a lot more appealing to me than Columbus’s nonetheless remarkable exploits.

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Lifestyle humor

Let’s Go Tailgate!

October 3, 2016 • By 22 1 530

It’s that time of year to put away the swimming suits and the sailboats to focus once again on that most highly anticipated tradition that defines the fall season. No, not gutting pumpkins or deer; I’m actually talking about the quintessentially American fall ritual: football.

I mean, of course, college football, since I live in a pro football wasteland.

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Family fun

The Wisdom of Keeping one’s House Clean (Enough) with Kids

September 26, 2016 • By 20 2 779

Repeat after me: “Have kids, they said!” Use a sarcastic tone. It’s got to be told with the most ironic voice. It’s just got to be. Unless of course you’re trying to BS someone. In that case, if you want to You-should-have-kids! a friend (but regarding what you’re about to do, your friendship is officially in peril) then a cheerful tone is expected. Don’t knowingly smile. Don’t mock. In a word, play up the innocent, you sarcastic evil. I must warn you though, it won’t work with your siblings or closest friends; they’ve seen you in action with your own adorable brats (talking about my own; maybe yours aren’t that terrible).

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Witty indulgences

Not the Finest Wine Connoisseur

September 19, 2016 • By 27 819

I’d love to be able to point out that while Caro is definite in her tastes about coffee, I am more so about wine … but, let’s face it: I’m not. Thankfully, she’s not either, so this means that if she ever comes to my house, I know she’ll be game for kicking back with some wine on tap.

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Lifestyle humor

Procaffinating

September 18, 2016 • By 23 884

I’m a night owl. Ergo, I’m a coffee person. I’m the kind of person who hits the Snooze button about five times in the morning, procrastinating to the most impossible limit. I’m the kind of person who wears sunglasses straight of out bed in a foolish attempt to appear like a being of undisputed human origin, thereby sparing their kids from subsequent horrible night terrors. I’m the kind of person whom you don’t talk to (and you don’t wanna try) before they’ve had several double espressos. I’ve been proudly labeled a coffee purist from the time I was 16. No cream, no sugar. Coffee’s got to be black or it’s not happening. No such thing as shades of black. I thought Kofi Annan was a new brand when first I first heard the name. Sort of an obsession, really.

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Lifestyle humor

Whine and the Art of Automobile Maintenance

September 15, 2016 • By 22 427

I’m an excellent driver. Really. I’ve been driving for 21 years and I’ve never gotten into an accident. With another car, I mean. I won’t count rocks or trees if you don’t. But even though I’m great behind the wheel, I’m admittedly a bit clueless when it comes to anything more complicated than an oil change. And it does get a bit complicated trying to aim the car over the pit.

To illustrate my point: I was trying to think of the word “pit” and had this conversation just now with my husband:

Me: What do you call the hole that I drive over —

Kyle: Pothole

Me: No, you didn’t let me finish. The hole that I drive over at the instant oil change place.

Kyle: You’re not going to pretend to your readers that you actually do that yourself, are you?

So with that in mind, it was no surprise that one day when I heard a thump as I was driving, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. I quickly went over the possibilities in my head. Rock? Maybe. Pothole? Never. Squirrel? Gross. When in doubt, my motto is to keep going and pretend it never happened. So I happily did that for exactly ten more feet until KER-WHUMP.

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Lifestyle humor

Humdrum Daily Routine a la Caribbean

September 14, 2016 • By 22 483

I like aphorisms. There’s one for everything. Let me inculcate on you one that has been invented for Parisians. I’m afraid it’s not going to be one of those overly-discussed ever-flattering clichés like the somewhat imposing Eiffel Tower, the spectacular spectacular Moulin Rouge or the overwhelmed-with-gargantuan-dog-poop cobblestones. No, this peculiar one is a much more down-to-earth view of the city; let’s talk hard, dull routine:

“Métro, boulot, dodo.”

Literally “Subway, work, sleep.”

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Contest submissions

Gus’s Gate

June 30, 2016 • By 12 259

“You don’t have enough points, sir.” The raspy voice called out to me from behind a tall lectern. A huge gate stood directly behind him.

“I’m sorry?” I asked the small bearded man. “I didn’t know there was a rewards program. Do I need a certain amount for the Gold or Elite Circle? A bit more if I’d like to do a meet and greet?”

“The points,” he continued patiently, “are assigned based on predetermined criteria. They are cumulative and represent the value of your life.”

“Predetermined criteria, huh? Sounds convenient. How many do I have?”

The old man consulted a list. Ah, yes, Santa Claus’s proverbial naughty or nice list. Or was I mixing up my saints? As he thumbed through my file, I tried to think of anything that could be construed as nice, but I was coming up blank. So I wasn’t surprised when he announced in a supercilious voice punctuated by raucous coughing, “You only have 438 points, sir, which is not nearly enough for our program. Don’t worry; I’ll arrange for transportation to take you to the correct destination.”

“Excuse me? I demand to see a list of rules as well as how the points are distributed before I can accept this! It’s just not fair!” Forget the Gold Circle; I was definitely in the Eighth.

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Contest submissions

The Velvet Glove

June 30, 2016 • By 14 261

            “You don’t have enough points, sir.”

The sentence echoed in my head again, uninvited, and although he had seemed fairly sorry for me (as much as a doctor showed emotion anyway), I could still feel the chill that had slowly run along my spine, as obnoxious as a vicious ice cube making contact with the back of one’s neck and dripping down one’s bare back on this cold, so cold afternoon in December. I had soon forgotten the most elementary process of breathing and I had instinctively reached out for my boy and gently patted his head.

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